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Everything is Going to Be All Right

March 2nd, 2016 at 05:06 pm

A lot going on... This is going to be a long post..

Spouse had his hip surgery, but hasn't recovered well. His hip is progressing as expected considering his disability, but his memory is gone. Perhaps because of the anesthesia, and his 2 prior seizures within the past 5 months. He only knows who I am because of the nurse. He's in rehab and both physical and speech therapists are working with him. He's got our address, his children's names and the names of his brothers and sisters, but it's slow going. He was hiding things from me, his cane, his car keys, prior to his surgery so I wouldn't limit his driving, (he's the primary caregiver for his mentally retarded son, who is 31, which means laundry, paying bills and grocery shopping) but now he, of course, has no idea where he's hidden them. He barely remembers his son, let alone that he's his caregiver. I have no good plan when he gets discharged, but will work it out with God's help.

My son, who is 26 now, had another mental breakdown that required hospitalization. He was discharged the day before my spouse went into surgery. His current diagnosis is schizo-affective disorder. He was doing well without medication for about 6 months (which he requested and the doctor agreed, with caution), but now we have to begin again. He's doing better, but adjusting to the medication is going to take time. The thing about mental illness is the brain of the one who has it often doesn't know they are ill--it's not just denial, their brain just doesn't register it. So that's an additional challenge, but I'm working it out with support (NAMI is great) and all the reading I can do (re-reading I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help). He rear-ended a car in a car accident a few weeks ago and the car he was driving was totaled. I think that began his spiral into a mental breakdown.

So not only am I carrying the financial load by myself, I'm now also carrying the mental and physical load of my household. Watching my son for symptoms and helping him manage his recovery, visiting my spouse in the rehab everyday to assist with his therapy and memory. Explaining to his family that he doesn't answer his phone because he's confused and doesn't know anyone. (His surgery was 18 Feb, no idea of expected discharge.)

I'm working at my job half-days for now, still doing the financial record-keeping for the church I attend, the house is a mess, I'm cooking light meals and buying more fast food than usual, doing dishes and laundry.

I'm seeking the remaining needed occupational aids for spouse's return home (portable toilet, cushions for the car and wheelchair, replacing his favorite chair, which is now too low for him to sit).

I'll need to replace the totaled car eventually.

I'll need to deal with hospital bills X 2.

I need to stay healthy.

I'm managing extended family as best I can. I have to manage my job and paid leave, and manage all of our upcoming appointments. I'll also have to deal with a possible lawsuit through the insurance for my son's car accident, finish my taxes (almost done) and, to top it off, get exempted from jury duty (I just got a summons yesterday).

It seems like a lot, but I'm ok. I'm doing what I can to manage. I'm tired. And trying to keep from getting too overwhelmed -- it's minute by minute. It's taking a herculean effort to focus on the positive, but I gotta focus on the positive-- I can't go down with the ship!

In spite of the chaos, i'm still working on my savings plan. I even increased my retirement a little. Only my saving advice friends will understand that. It helps me feel like I have some control or order and it's also fun to focus on. Somehow, everything is going to be all right!

Happy saving everyone!

17 Responses to “Everything is Going to Be All Right”

  1. wife of the deacon Says:


    I am sorry to hear all of this; it sounds like you are doing a decent job keeping everything afloat - including yourself.

    I am dealing with stuff over here (husband's health issue) and it is hard. I have found that sleep is key. Quality sleep. And saying yes to offers of help.

    Prayers offered!

  2. livingalmostlarge Says:

    I hope you take care of yourself and hugs and best wishes.

  3. ceejay74 Says:

    So sorry to hear all that's hitting you at once, but also impressed that you're handling it all with such calm. Best wishes for your spouse, son and everything else to be all right!

  4. Amber Says:

    Aw I'm so sorry to hear about your hubby and and son, just know that God and we love you, you'll get through this. I know it's a lot; however, try and schedule you some me time, even if it's just 15 minutes a day, you'd be surprised at what a little 15 minutes can do.

    I'll be praying for both your husband and son's recoveries as well as for you. 🙏🏾

  5. creditcardfree Says:

    You have a lot on your plate right now. Praying for your family.

  6. Jenn Says:

    You are so right that the best thing you can do is to focus on the things you CAN control. Take care of yourself.

    I hope too that you're not taking on things that should be handled by others - your 26-yr-old, for example. I don't know the history, but he'll need to learn to manage his healthcare at some point (and his living expenses), assuming that he's intellectually capable of doing that.

    Prayers for your family.

  7. PatientSaver Says:

    You're doing a good job, but you need help! If you try to do it all alone, you'll burn out. Does your husband have family members you can ask to relieve you of some of the daily visits to hospital to see your husband, so you can catch up on other things? His family might not realize how much you're going through so don't be shy about asking for help!

  8. PatientSaver Says:

    You could investigate a home health aide now to assist you a few times a week when your husband comes home to relieve you of some of the work.

  9. CB in the City Says:

    OMG, you have so many burdens thrust upon you! You are showing a great attitude, though, and I know you have the strength to get through it. You will be very much in my thoughts.

  10. Ima saver Says:

    Bless your heart. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

  11. VS_ozgirl Says:

    Thinking of you - times like these where everything goes wrong and is difficult - you just run on adrenaline. Just keep taking small breaks when you can and when things start to get better and the urgency of everything dies off, allow yourself a lot of me time to recover from this. Hoping that things start to improve from here on.

  12. alice4now Says:

    Sending thoughts of healing for your family, and strength for you. And comfort for you, seek out little bits of time here and there when you can recharge.

  13. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    Like the others have said, you have a great attitude for everything you're facing. {{hugs}}

  14. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:

    Day after day, you have had to do so much. Bit by bit may there be improvements and relief for you, your husband, your son, your husband's son, everyone!

  15. Thrifty Ray Says:

    I am so sorry for all that youre going through. Yours is a heavy load. As others have said, accept help, try to get enough sleep, eat as healthy as possible, and take whatever moments you can to recharge. Yes, you can do it- just pace yourself as much as possible. XO

  16. My English Castle Says:

    Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers. You're right to think about self-care.

  17. Dido Says:

    Hope you are still hanging in there in good spirits, and thoughts & prayers to you at this rough time. I second Patient Saver's suggestion of an occasional home health aide to help. As the saying goes, "put your own seatbelt on first." Best wishes for improvements soon on all fronts.

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